The Drama Triangle in Action - What Travis Kalanick [Uber's ex-CEO] can teach us about leadership…?
It would be well known and accepted by our clients I believe, that before someone can be a good leader of others they must have ‘cleaned up their own act’ [or at least be consciously working on it], so it doesn’t get in the way of being the best leader possible.
That’s easier said than done of course, but knowing your triggers, keeping them top of mind and having an accountability buddy or a Coach, can really help.
I was reviewing a 2017 video recently where Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is seen arguing with one of his drivers. It shows how easy it is for any leader to get sucked into reacting in the moment. You can see how he goes from listening reasonably, to suddenly getting really ticked off and then letting rip at the driver, whilst out for the evening with friends.
You can watch this video below:
You’ll see the driver shakes Kalanick’s hand as he’s preparing to leave the car. The driver then takes the opportunity to state his view about the changes in Uber's tariffs. Kalanick’s reaction to the fellow’s complaints is a beautiful example of one of the most useful communication theories out there, Karpman’s Drama Triangle.
Before explaining what the theory is about, let me say, that had I been in Kalanick’s situation, I might have been upset at having been challenged by the driver, on a personal night out as well! On the other hand, had the driver opted to call Kalanick the next day to discuss the subject, or send an email, how likely would it have been, that he would have received a call/email back from the CEO? Pretty unlikely, I would have thought.
So perhaps the driver was being opportunistic. He had the CEO of his employer in the car with him – why not?
What is interesting is that Kalanick’s position and power were such that ideally, he would have been able to shove his ego to one side and not let himself be provoked in the moment.
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE AT WORK
So, let’s look at the Drama Triangle and see what this unfortunate incident can teach us about it. Karpman used triangles to map conflicted or drama-intense relationship transactions between people.
The Drama Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play.
He defined three roles in conflict: Persecutor, Rescuer (the one-up position) and Victim (one-down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and referred to them as being the three aspects or faces of drama.
+ The Victim: The Victim’s stance is “Poor me! OR: I’m not OK, you’re OK". The Victim will often feel oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, victimised and ashamed. They seem unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life or achieve insight. They seek people who will ‘look after them’ or indeed, they might seek out people who will “Pick on them”.
The Victim, if not being persecuted, can seem to seek out a Persecutor, then also a Rescuer who will save the day, but in so doing, perpetuate the Victim’s negative feelings.
+ The Rescuer: The rescuer’s takes the stance: “I’m OK, you’re not OK” and “ Let me help you”. As a classic enabler – Rescuers “take care” of others whether the other person wants/needs it or not and presume that others do not have the ability to do things for themselves. This occurs in family systems and in turn, we see this in the workplace and with our work with Teams. People take on roles and there is typically always a rescuer in a team.
In terms of leader development and growth, this behaviour has significant consequences: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail.
The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues and allows them to maintain their primary interest, which is an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
+ The Persecutor: The Persecutor takes the position of “I’m OK, you’re not OK”. And often: “It’s all your fault”. We see this showing up in teams as blaming and complaining.
The Persecutor is often seen by others as controlling, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior (source: Wikipedia).
So, if you’re human and have sustained a childhood upbringing, like all of us, you are likely to favour one of the above three positions, over others.
Ask yourself: Which one or two of the three points do you tend to favour? What is the impact to you and your team, colleagues etc when you default to this?
Karpman’s Drama Triangle
When we’re engaged in conflict [active or passive], our default to our favoured role will be triggered. Most often it starts with the persecutor or the victim. When that happens, the other people in the conflict are pushed towards their ‘preferred’ role in the triangle. You can see this happening in the video and I’m sure you see at your team meetings as well!
There are two crucial things to understand about the Triangle:
According to Karpman, none of these roles are authentic behaviour showing up. The Drama Triangle is basically a form of role play and I would add that it’s a form of self-protection as well.
Everyone has at least one role in which they feel most comfortable (though often not consciously) and most of us have one role that we automatically step into, when faced with challenging work or social situations. We’ve done it since we were kids!
KALANICK’S REACTION VIEWED FROM THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
When Travis Kalanick took that Uber on Super Bowl Sunday he was faced with a victim. The driver was complaining, placing blame on Uber and Kalanick without acknowledging his own responsibility in the matter e.g. he says “I’m bankrupt because of you”.
And Kalanick, most likely unaware of the risks of the Drama Triangle followed suit by retaliating and as such, stepping into what we can only assume is his preferred role of the persecutor.
The motivations for each of them is to get their unspoken (and frequently unconscious) needs met in a manner they feel justified, without having to acknowledge any of the broader harm that might be done in the situation. Each participant is acting without thought adhering to their own needs, rather than acting in a responsible or altruistic manner (source: Wikipedia). Instead, we now have two angry boys pointing the finger at each other. Again, we see this frequently in our work with leaders and teams – bound to!
So, what to do?
THE WAY OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE (AND INTO LEADERSHIP)
Luckily, the way out of the Drama Triangle isn’t very complicated but that’s not to say it isn’t challenging.
Acey Choy created the Winner’s Triangle, and The Power of TED came up with the Empowerment Triangle. Both are basically the same in our view, so I’ve leveraged off another colleague’s approach and combined them in one picture below:
The new roles of Creator, Coach, and the Challenger, are basically the-up versions of the Drama roles.
Instead of being a victim, the Creator accepts the fact that they cannot do everything alone and that they may have to be a bit vulnerable. They ask for and accept help, and as such, make themselves powerful in their own right and work towards an actual solution.
Instead of being a rescuer, the Coach shows interest and care, asking how they may help the creator, thus empowering the creator to decide what they need and want, rather than deciding and doing it for them.
Instead of being a persecutor, the Challenger is assertive about his or her own needs, without blaming the creator. This requires these often very fast, task-focused people to practice and demonstrate patience, otherwise [as I often say to my clients of this type] – you may as well fire your team and do the job yourself!
All of this has to do with accepting responsibility for one’s own position, without asserting power or needing to dominate others. And the beauty of this is that as soon as someone accepts the empowerment version of their preferred role, the whole system changes, and the situation is lifted from drama into potential.
IMPORTANT: Choice of language and having some well-crafted phrases [that sound like/feel like you] that you can use in challenging situations can be very helpful here - you can co-create these with your Coach or a colleague.
BEING THE CHALLENGER INSTEAD OF THE PERSECUTOR
In the Kalanick/Uber driver incident what could have gone differently?
As the Challenger, [instead of the Persecutor], the biggest win could have come from Kalanick quietening down his threatened ego and setting healthy boundaries to protect his privacy.
At another time he could have acknowledged the actual event going on in someone’s life (bankruptcy), without accepting blame, just showing some kindness and creating a human connection.
As the Challenger, Kalanick could have suggested another time to have the conversation when he was not on a social outing.
This would have resulted in something like this:
‘I am really sorry you had to go through that situation. That must be/have been hard to deal with' [It’s always wise to acknowledge someone’s pain, and you can do this, without gushing and taking it on].
This, however, is not the time to discuss it. I am on a night out with friends [healthy boundaries]. Also, I stand behind our decision to change policy and cannot take responsibility away from you, regarding the decisions you make about your life’ [making it clear that responsibility for what happened lies with the driver himself, at least partially].
If the driver’s message resonated on some point, he could have extended an invite to come and discuss the matter at a more appropriate time, while making it very clear that he wasn’t taking responsibility.
WHY IS THIS SO HARD & WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
The truth is, it’s difficult to respond the way I suggested above when under attack. The amygdala kicks in [fight, flight or freeze] and we react before we’ve even had a moment to think.
But with a coach or a trusted colleague/friend you can prepare for this – by firstly knowing what sets you off - what triggers you and secondly by planning for that eventuality.
And as a leader, people are watching you – all the time. So there really is only one thing you can do before you can respond to people who take on one of the Drama roles: that is to know and work to resolve the things where you are easily triggered. Kalanick apparently is triggered by criticism – in this instance, unsolicited criticism. And he was caught off guard.
If he hadn’t taken this personally and instead responded with calm stance and some compassion, he would have demonstrated more of mature leadership positions worthy of his CEO role and obvious business capability instead of coming across as an angry child protecting his hurt feelings.
In today’s business environments remaining calm in the face of challenge is now accepted as an essential leadership competency [think Jacinda Ardern, Sean Fitzsimmons]. If that’s the case, it’s probably useful for leaders to fully understand and accept their own triggers and challenges. To take the time to work through the hurt they’ve experienced in the past and to deal with their Gremlins!
And, when we’ve done all of that - when we can fully own our story, our strengths and our weaknesses, when we are no longer afraid to have our ego bruised, then we might be ready to lead a multi-million dollar corporation or any team for that matter! By the way, Travis Kalanick apparently apologised to his team when this incident went viral and sought out leadership coaching!
REMEMBER: LEADERS RISE ABOVE AND LOOK FURTHER OUT
What role do you play? Take our quick Quiz to find out and download the worksheet for more tips on how to transition from Drama Triangle roles to Empowerment Triangle roles.